(Click here for first round matchups. Also, click image to enlarge.)
The first round over, and there weren’t too many upsets. All 1, 2 and 3 seeds made it through, although Nelson Mandela only just beat the plucky Sydney Smallbone, and Ivana Mandic only barely squeaked out the legendary World B. Free by a couple of votes. World B. Free was the last named put on this ballot, as, due to his level of fame (and thus lack of surprise element) plus the fact that his name had a small if acceptable whiff of fakery about it, I nearly did not include him. But I did, and he rewarded this reluctance with a near 13 v 4 seed upset over one of what I assumed would be one of the pre-tournament favourites. This was arguably the best matchup of the first round, and yet it shouldn’t have been.
For rules, entry criteria, proof that this people actually exist and the like, see the intro to the first round. For now, with the polls now closed, it’s time for more polls. Here are some more polls.
The Name Is The Window On The Soul Regional
(1) Chastity Gooch v (8) Arthur Pervy:
The first matchup is a great one. Gooch returned 81% of the vote in a hefty victory over the plucky but overmatched Ashley Awkward, while Pervy was even more dominant in an 83% landslide victory over Jackie Bedwell. For this to only be a second round matchup speaks either to the overall strength of the regional, the overall strength of the tournament, or my inability to seed. Or some combination thereof.
(12) Epiphanny Prince v (4) Calamity McEntire:
McEntire overcame Mike Smelkinson in her first round matchup, which was a personal disappointment for me as I was firmly in the Smelkinson camp. She’s now up against Prince in a battle of multi-syllable obscure nounal first names, her Heath Robinson surname perhaps being what tips this.
(11) Urban Rat v (3) Joo Suk:
In demolishing Gerald Fonzie, Rat recorded 95% of the vote despite being the lesser seed, which is akin to that time a few years ago when Michigan beat Tennessee by about 75 points or something, except even more one sided. Suk can heckle as much as he likes, but the Rat is a machine, and clearly one with a fanbase.
(10) Lekan Somefun v (2) Corperryale L’Adorable Harris:
Manny Harris’s adorable full name recorded an easy victory over Benjamin Bangard, while Somefun led from the front and held on late from the number 7 seed, Genesis Lightbourne. They should really pair up, create a super player named L’Adorable Somefun, and have done with it. Unfortunately, that’s not how brackets work.
Body Parts And Famous People Regional
(1) Pee-Wee Gash v (9) Tiago Casanova:
Tied until the very end, a late flurry of votes saw Casanova just beat out Picasso Simmons in the artsy-fartsiest first round tie. The pure unrelenting crudity of Gash’s name now creates a striking juxtaposition. Vote on this matchup, general public, and show me how classy you are/n’t.
(5) Harvey Knuckles v (13) Willie Sweat:
A win for alpha males the world over as Harvey Knuckles, the toughest sounding man ever, fights his way through to meet Sweat, whose penile reference trumped the literary one of Baskerville Holmes and speaks volumes as to the demograph of people that read this sort of thing.
(6) Mark Asses v (3) Nelson Mandela:
Asses beat Moustache [Tracey] in a first round matchup that I’m guessing featured an almost exclusively male electorate. Figures. Mandela meanwhile barely squeaked past Sydney Smallbone and may have been overseeded a bit. But I got excited when I saw his name on a Kenyan club team’s roster. You would have done too, I’m pretty sure.
(7) Koomson Hitla v (2) Thankgod Moses:
In the first round, Hitla beat Stalin. Now he’s up against both God and Moses. And if he wins this while the matchup above goes by the form book, Hitla will then be up against Mandela. Hitla, frankly, must be stopped.
First Name Makes No Difference Regional
(1) Phyllis Mangina v (8) Tyrone Manlove:
Manlove destroyed Starr Breedlove in their opening round matchup, a victory for LGBT rights enthusiasts everywhere. However, should he now lose to the powerhouse name of Phyllis Mangina, as is expected, it does not mean the movement ends here. Somehow, we will find another way to throw off the shackles of oppression.
(12) Chris GooGoo v (13) Keene Cockburn:
Cockburn pulled off the biggest upset of the first round, toppling number 4 seed Peter Jurkin with some ease, while GooGoo was almost as comprehensive in brushing aside number 5 seed Elvis Old Bull. This means the 12 v 13 matchup, that has only ever happened five times in NCAA tournament bracket history, has now happened in every Tremendous Basketball Player Name bracket ever held. What we’ve learnt here, as always, is that I cannot seed tournaments.
(6) Young Gi Bang v (3) Dave Poon:
Gi Bang put in a very strong first round performance in a comprehensive win over Irene Flapper, while the Poons barely squeaked past an upstart Mark Gayman. If it helps inform the vote, remember what was said in the round one round-up – there are two Dave Poons.
(10) Jojo Longalong v (2) Marshall Cabbagestalk:
This is a tremendous matchup against two of my favourites and, honestly, I wish I had seeded the tournament so as to avoid these two dynamic and brilliant names from meeting each other so early. Alas. May the best man win, but really, no one loses.
First Name Makes All The Difference Regional
(1) Fonda Dicks v (8) Wyatt Skunk Cap
Wyatt tied with D’Olajuwon Swanks in their first round matchup, the tie only being split by the incredibly scientific method of this tweet. I wanted badly for Swanks to win, though, and probably should have just used executive privilege to make it happen. Nevertheless, Skunk Cap is up against a powerhouse here in Dicks, whose 95% share of the vote in their first round matchup against Harlee Wood speaks to what should be continued dominance here.
(5) LaShawn Medicine Horn v (4) Squirtisha Moore
Moore crushed Dane Bacon in their first round matchup because it turns out only British people know what Danish Bacon is. (Whoops.) She is now embroiled in an all-female matchup against LMH, about whom further investigation has yet to conclusively determine whether “Medicine” is part of a double-barrelled surname or an extra first name. Either way, it’s tremendous.
(6) Man Sze Wong v (3) Ivana Mandic
Ivi was THIS CLOSE *holds two fingers really close together* to being the victim of a 3 v 14 upset, taken to the wire by World B. Free, in one of the first round’s very closest matchups. She narrowly prevailed, and now finds herself up against someone whose name provides the very thing her name claims to be looking for.
(7) Deejay Lazyboy v (2) Majestic Mapp
Scientific’s brother Majestic outlasted B.J. Battle in the first round, albeit in a closer matchup than anticipated. He has a good opportunity here to continue the Mapp legacy, although the two other Mapp siblings (Shalah and Ramecla) rather let the side down a bit. Lazyboy was down early in the voting against Volkan Dik, but came back to win by what in the end was a comfortable margin. It just goes to show what I have always believed – laziness always wins out in the end. (Except maybe here.) Also note: with the top 8 seeds in this final regional all getting through the first round, maybe I can seed after all.
These are the second round matchups. Voting closes at stupid o’clock Eastern on the morning of Tuesday 16th September. Vote now.